Sorry for those of you who have been looking for summaries in the past two weeks. No, I didn’t finish it for good. (If one season had beaten me, it would have been Matt James’ year.) And no, I didn’t go into a wine-soaked coma-like stupor (or at least no more than usual). Instead, I was four hours and an ocean away on an admittedly inconvenient vacation to Hawaii, where I also had my own suggestion to focus on – one that I happily report went better than I did would have made me dream. So while the promise of a room full of people giggling at bad Yelp reviews of Pizza Boys pie stores and Greg eating his own pie-topped head sounds like pretty stellar television, as you can imagine, I was a little diverted.
Anyway, hopefully Michelle’s suggestion will go as well as mine. (Seamless transition!) And at this point, after a season where she’s been in charge, her wants and goals are clear, and neither her quest nor her season will let idiots drag her search or season down with petty and manipulative dramas, we believe that we all trust that Michelle will make the right choice for herself and end things with a happy ending. (Not like she ever needed our permission or consent; after all, they’re still going strong because Rachel Lindsay chose Bryan at the end of her season – including yours, really – that they’re still strong so show what we can Know.) She was a great star on a fun and entertaining season of « The Bachelorette » – and while Katie’s season taught us that things with promise can turn sour quickly, I think next week’s finale will stay sweet.
But Nayte? After that Tuesday night fantasy suites episode, call me Meryl Streep in a nun outfit because I HAVE SUCH DOUBTS.
Let’s start from the beginning. Apparently, I wasn’t the only one looking to warming the climate and an escape from the Midwest when Michelle and her last three boys travel to Puerto Vallerta, Mexico. But while it’s warmer in the weather forecast, it’s getting chilly between Brandon, Joe, and Nayte because it’s Fantasy Suite Week – aka the Worst Week – and they seem to be sitting together in their hotel breakout room, taking turns staring at walls and Avoid eye contact with one another. You almost get the impression that they are all going on very intimate dates, making the same confessions of love and hearing similar assurances, with the same woman on consecutive days! A little uncomfortable! But at least Joe makes it all easy by saying that they went from « brothers to enemies ». Rhyming is fun! Anyway, back to staring at the table and trying not to think about how the other two guys in the room are sleeping with your girlfriend tonight.
googletag.cmd.push (function () {googletag.display (‘div-gpt-ad-1597166322662-mid-article-1’);});
Brandon gets the first date card and for his day with Michelle he gets a pony ride through the jungle. Despite the fact that he’s been so closest to a horse, he gets along with impressive ease – but the horse is NOT A FAN and is trying to take Brandon back the way he came. That horse bet on Nayte in episode one, AND THEY ARE NOT RUINING THIS FOR HIM! Eventually Brandon fixes his horse and the two gallop through the woods and onto the beach for a nice smooch and chat. Later that night he utters the L-word – you guessed it: Loxophthalmus – and the two happily watch metaphorical fireworks to celebrate. Also look? Joe and Nayte who are sick.
Michelle and Brandon wake up with a b-roll of a bird but not a bee – WHAT DOES THAT BE !? Apparently it symbolizes that everything went great and well and that the two are so cute and playful together that they get into a food battle with an empanada. Man, between Emma’s gentrified vegan empanadas in the new season of « Selling Sunset » and now the empanadas on reality TV really have a moment. Applause for your agent. As for the people who don’t have a moment? The poor hotel cleaners who had to vacuum their food fight the chaos after they leave. But maybe they are like me and just happy to see people on this show finally interacting with the food that is being served.
After Brandon is sent away, it’s Joe’s turn for a fantasy suite date – but we’re starting with the opposite of a fantasy: ziplining. He gets along with this without a hitch because of course he does: Joe is the most staunch, strapless guy left on the show (although I think everyone seems calm and undisturbed compared to the adorable human bouncy ball Brandon). But when Michelle talks about him, it slowly becomes clear that maybe he is not the right person. She says at one point that it makes her less homesick – which is a completely awkward emotional feeling that is solely related to the structure of the show. She won’t have to be any less homesick when she gets home in Minnesota. She may find that what she likes and prefers about her relationship with Joe doesn’t carry over to normal life. I guess what I’m saying is JOE YOU IN DANGER – but at least not tonight because they have a nice (if kind of boring) date that ends in the fantasy suite.
Speaking of danger, things get even more exciting in the Sad Boys Lounge between Nayte and Brandon. Finally bored with trying to ignore each other, the two discuss whether it is better to be the first fantasy suite date or the last fantasy suite date. I assume you can find out who is arguing for whom. Think going first means that he is setting the tone and that he is who she wants to see first this important week; the other assumes that he will be the last to leave a final impact. The winner of the debate? Joe, who shows up after the date and reports that it went great and ended in the fantasy suite – messages that can wipe Nayte’s typically confident smile from his face.
While Brandon and Joe are back to staring at tables and walls, Nayte ventures away for the potentially important third and final Fantasy Suite date: a ride on the SS Clever Boat Name with Michelle. For Nayte, however, this will not be a pure pleasure cruise. While Joe and definitely Brandon opened up and expressed their full-fledged love for Michelle, Nayte was a bit close to the vest and a bit cool when it came to breaking big words and phrases – and running with just one more episode Michelle doesn’t have time to hear her.
Even so, Nayte doesn’t seem intent on coming to them because when they sit down for dinner and Michelle opens the floor for him, he basically says he has nothing special in mind and nothing important to say. NOT YOU, HMM !? She starts nudging and challenging him, demonstratively asking about his future plans while he makes nonsense about the fact that we can never know the future and the kind of things a guy says when he 100% HATES WITH THE FIREY PASSION OF A MILLION SUNS! At some point, however, Michelle pulls enough teeth – she mentions how her father said he could withdraw and questions the difference between « falling in love » and « being in love » – to get Nayte to say what she wants to hear: that can he get an engagement. She feels good when the two of them go to the fantasy suite, spend a night together, and wake up outside to a mariachi band performing for them. (SO MUCH FOR PRECIOUS ALONE TIME, MANUFACTURER!)
Me? I feel less comfortable with things. That sure felt more like witnessing than Nayte’s true feelings.
This may have been the moment when all the red flags of the audience really waved at Nayte – but this should ALSO have been the moment when it was clear that he would make it to the final. Let’s take a look at this data. Brandon and Michelle sat on horses – physically separated. Joe and Michelle were zip lining – physically separate. Nayte and Michelle? Guaranteed proximity on a boat. I REST MY (badly made) CASE!
googletag.cmd.push (function () {googletag.display (‘div-gpt-ad-1597166322662-mid-article-2’);});
But the much more important second point: you don’t go out of your way when you’re with someone you disagree with. Michelle pushed and pulled and dragged Nayte to finally say something that was close to an obligation; if she wasn’t quite with him, she didn’t have to do that. She has two other great guys who stare awkwardly at the walls at the hotel that she can be with instead. But she WANTS Nayte to work – and she pocketed the work. The only question is: will he?
There is no question about it: Nayte gets a rose on Tuesday evening. But first, having a strange speed bias, as Michelle prepares to hand out her first rose to Nayte, Brandon breaks things off to speak to her privately. Oh no, does he pull off gracefully? You know, when a character says, « I’m sorry, but I’m not ready » or something like that, before stepping out at the last minute and breaking our star’s heart? Or is he delivering dirt to Joe or Nayte at the last minute to cloud the water? Or maybe one last plea !? WHAT DRAMA!
In the end it was more like « … what drama? » as Brandon talks about how he’ll always be there for her no matter how she chooses and how much this trip means. My man, if you go tonight you can say all of this on the way out. That’s what it’s for. Nobody – except maybe the editor who was trying to get this episode down to two hours – needed this. That includes Michelle, not getting involved at all, minus a few polite “thanks” and a death look screaming, “I HAVE SOME DESTRUCTION AND HEARTBREAKAGE TO DO; CAN WE FINISH IT PLEASE ?! ”The woman has a not-so-fun job to do, and right when it finally got there, Brandon decided he had a hallmark speech in his back pocket that was about to expire.
Anyway, BACK TO OUR POSITIONS! Returning to the already ongoing brutal breakup, Michelle gives Nayte Rose one before giving Brandon Rose two and sending sweet, sweet Joe back to the Midwest. He deals with things as best he can and says a few final things about how grateful he was for her time and for the boost she gave him while heartbreakingly unable to make eye contact like it was just a quick look on them so as not to shake. He seems like a good guy – and frankly, the one I had most hoped for between the last three – but considering the way Michelle talked about him, it’s not a surprising development.
So we have our final: Brandon against Nayte … against his own parents who saw all the family fights and ambushes on « Succession » and decided THEY WANT IN. (If it weren’t for the holidays without a good family fight!) With his commitment to, well, commitment that is now in question, I worry that Michelle will end this season and wish she could go to Hawaii and that Leave everything behind without a word for two weeks. Hey, worked for me!
As much as it is a gigantic cliché to say that you’ve always been passionate about film, Matt Mueller has always been passionate about film. Whether it was bringing up the latest movie reviews for his show-and-tell in first grade or doing movie reviews for the St. Norbert College Times as a high school student, Matt is far too obsessed with movies for his own good.
When he’s not writing about the latest blockbuster or talking too fervently about « Piranha 3D », Matt is likely to see literally every sport (minus cricket) or work in – take that – a local movie theater. Or watch a movie. Yeah, he’s probably watching a movie.
Keywords:
